Peaches

D. spotted something in the neighbouring empty lot this morning...

I zoomed in for a closer look, but it still wasn't clear...

... so I came in closer and found a pony grazing in an urban pasture.

She was a bit shy at first...

... but then she warmed up to the camera.

Her name is Peaches.

Roots

l'Oncle Elzée et la vieille maison

When I think of my roots, the image above is one of the first things that comes to mind.

This is my great uncle, l'Oncle Elzée (full name Elzéard). This is the house in which he grew up. It's the house in which my father was born. It's the house that stood across the road from the one in which I grew up, and I am deeply attached to it and the soil on which it stood.

L'Oncle Elzée was our next door neighbour. Weather permitting he'd spend most of his days outside talking to his dog Lassie, chatting with the sparrows or simply sitting on his stoop singing - or more specifically what we Acadians call "turlutter" (which, I just found out via Google, has a VERY different meaning in France). Most days included at least one visit to the homestead.

As a child I often watched impatiently through our living room window to see if the door to the old house was open; as soon as it was I'd run over to join him.

I loved the house's creaky floorboards, the green and pale blue walls and the central staircase that led to the tiny upstairs bedrooms - oh how majestic it was to my impressionable eyes. And then my favourite: the tiny curved staircase that led from the back corner of the kitchen to the attic, home of old papers, photos and everyday items from the past. I dubbed it the secret staircase and to this day imaginary plans for my dream house include one.

L'Oncle Elzée told me stories about the people who lived there and I imagined how it might have been. I would never tire of it. He and I were both early risers and spent many a morning together surrounded by remnants of our ancestors. Like clockwork, at about 10:30am he'd say "Ben c'est l'temps d'aller faire bouillir mes patates!" (it's time to go put the potatoes on for lunch).

I also spent many a summer afternoon playing in the barn, and remember the year Mom, Dad & l'Oncle Elzée decided to till the field in front of the barn and fill it with corn and potatoes. Some of my most cherished memories ever are from that garden, marvelling in how many small white potatoes I could find in the rich, dark soil. I still marvel at it.

Sadly neither l'Oncle Elzée nor the house are with us anymore and the land now belongs to someone else. After all these years I still grieve these losses, tears rolling down my face as I type. I hope the new owners will be good stewards and I hope they tread lightly, for they tread on my roots - roots that are very near and dear to my heart.

Peace

"Peace does not mean an end to tension, the good tensions, or of struggle. It means, I think, less waste. It means being centered."

- May Sarton, The House by the Sea

And Comfort Settled In

D's childhood tree fort
the woods behind Nan's house, May 2009

This morning I journalled about my discomfort with the many unknowns that come with major life changes, and my struggles in trusting the Universe and my own capabilities to see the changes through.

As I pondered my discomfort, I realized that there are also several knowns in my life today - at this moment - that I can count on no matter what:

~ the song of the cardinal outside my window
~ the breeze rustling through the trees
~ Cassie lying at my feet
~ Dave
~ family
~ friends
~ Love
~ sunshine and blue skies
~ laughter
~ music
~ sweet childhood memories
~ words
~ movement
~ inner peace
~ colour
~ my Higher Power

And comfort settled in.

Ready to Continue

I feel compelled to write, but I don't know where to start. So here I am. Just typing. One letter at a time, forming words that stem from thoughts that stem from my heart and soul.

The past few weeks have felt earth-shattering, overwhelming and life-altering in a subtle, quiet sort of way. The wedding seems to have cracked me wide open, resulting in my soul pulling me towards a series of big changes - life changes. It's as if now that the wedding planning and the event itself are over I'm ready to continue, whatever that means.

I want to move towards work that feeds my soul. I've expressed it here before. Despite wonderful people and challenging work where I am now, I don't think I will be satisfied until I try venturing out on my own into creative work. I've been scouring the books, reading the blogs and taking the seminars for nine years now, living vicariously through others to this day. It's time for me to trust and act.

I want kids - I think. It's the first time I say so explicitly and it almost didn't make it up here, but after years of blocking out the possibility for various reasons, I'm finally admitting that maybe, just maybe, I would enjoy being a momma. And maybe, just maybe, I have what it takes to be one - or at least the faith, resources and the support network to help me through the days I think I don't. The thought leaves me scared shitless and on some days that fear makes me unsure, but the possibility stirs me in a way I can no longer ignore.

I want to return to the physical shape I was in three years ago. Lately I've felt like my body's been crapping out on me - nothing too serious, just an overall feeling that leaves me tired and sometimes worried. I've lost confidence in my body and what it can do; I want to regain that confidence and feel good.

I want to live an authentic life. I want to stop living vicariously through others and feeling (shamefully) envious of their successes. I want to share my path with others while creating my own successes, remaining true to myself throughout the process.

I want to live a life that supports my well-being, the well-being of my loved ones, and brings me peace.

I state these wants from a place of gratitude for what I have today and an awareness that it's time for a shift. Gently, but firmly, I am ready to continue.

Just Thinkin'

I've been in a reflective mood, the following a sample of what's been dancing around in my head for the past few days...

• kids & family
• roots
• happiness and life's work
• micro-farming
• dance and laughter
• another vacation
• learning
• Love in all its forms
• zest for life, how it comes & goes
• how maybe life is just a cycle of different levels of zest and that's ok
• the passage of time
• the future
• hope and optimism
• realism
  
• fear of the unknown
• openness to the unknown
  
• the abundance of blissfully content moments during the past few weeks
• a clean house
• simplicity
• healthy food and meals cooked from scratch
• friends past and present
• codepedency - how much is healthy and how much isn't
• my connection with something greater than myself

I've no answers about any of these really, only milling about. That's cool with me for now.

Signing In...

... to say I'm back, but not quite sure how to put the past week & a half into words.

In the meantime here are a few favourite post-party pics taken the morning after, and a gorgeous teaser picture of D & I taken by the amazing photographer-friend-woman-Squamsister Kirsten.

discarded photo booth prop: sequined Minnie ears

cakeless cake toppers Oscar (Wilde) and Frida (Kahlo)

no-wash dishes rented for the occasion

guest note garland (in lieu of a guest book)

And the teaser pic:

And I almost forgot, I get to cross #17 off my list. ;-)