I feel compelled to write, but I don't know where to start. So here I am. Just typing. One letter at a time, forming words that stem from thoughts that stem from my heart and soul.
The past few weeks have felt earth-shattering, overwhelming and life-altering in a subtle, quiet sort of way. The wedding seems to have cracked me wide open, resulting in my soul pulling me towards a series of big changes - life changes. It's as if now that the wedding planning and the event itself are over I'm ready to continue, whatever that means.
I want to move towards work that feeds my soul. I've expressed it here before. Despite wonderful people and challenging work where I am now, I don't think I will be satisfied until I try venturing out on my own into creative work. I've been scouring the books, reading the blogs and taking the seminars for nine years now, living vicariously through others to this day. It's time for me to trust and act.
I want kids - I think. It's the first time I say so explicitly and it almost didn't make it up here, but after years of blocking out the possibility for various reasons, I'm finally admitting that maybe, just maybe, I would enjoy being a momma. And maybe, just maybe, I have what it takes to be one - or at least the faith, resources and the support network to help me through the days I think I don't. The thought leaves me scared shitless and on some days that fear makes me unsure, but the possibility stirs me in a way I can no longer ignore.
I want to return to the physical shape I was in three years ago. Lately I've felt like my body's been crapping out on me - nothing too serious, just an overall feeling that leaves me tired and sometimes worried. I've lost confidence in my body and what it can do; I want to regain that confidence and feel good.
I want to live an authentic life. I want to stop living vicariously through others and feeling (shamefully) envious of their successes. I want to share my path with others while creating my own successes, remaining true to myself throughout the process.
I want to live a life that supports my well-being, the well-being of my loved ones, and brings me peace.
I state these wants from a place of gratitude for what I have today and an awareness that it's time for a shift. Gently, but firmly, I am ready to continue.