Taking Stock

A few weeks ago I cleaned my office and found piles of notes and end products related to several projects undertaken in the past five years:

• online writing classes and assignments
• market research, business card designs and company stationery for a seasonal wreath business I operated winter 2004 and 2005 - I designed, crafted and sold Christmas wreaths
• enterprise architecture work I did for a non-profit organization called Servas International
• brainstorming notes, mind maps and lists of ideas related to creating multiple income streams or profit centres
• a plan and proposal for creating a family history book for a prospective client, complete with pricing research and quotes
• discovery work on my interests and skills based on What Color Is Your Parachute and Finding Your Perfect Work
• a prototype for a small book of quotations published by my (at the time) soon-to-be small press publishing company, complete with company logo on the back
• a notebook full of class notes and handouts from several courses or small business seminars ranging from tax accounting to Booth Design for Craft Shows, from bookbinding to Establishing Yourself as an Expert

I'd forgotten about most of these. Seeing them all together boosted my confidence and reminded me that I'm capable of working through challenges, trying new things and putting myself out there. It was good to take stock - and very timely.

I guess sometimes we need to remember how much we've done to believe in how much we're capable of doing.

What are you capable of that might have been forgotten? I dare you to go through your piles and find out.

Patience, Gentle Patience

one of three resident windowsill/shelf turtles

I am struggling with patience these days. Not your "Grrrr I can't open the peanut butter jar" kind of patience, but the more gentle "If I don't get to it this year I'll get to it another year" kind of patience.

A kind soul who replied to a Facebook update venting my struggle wrote "No one is chasing you." Well said. I am chasing myself. But why? What's the rush?

Fear. Fear of missing out; fear that there won't be another opportunity later on, that it's now or never; fear of leaving this world without having done all that I want to do.

Tsk. Such [false] urgency.

So here's the question that came to mind: So what? What's the worse that could happen if I don't do it all, if I miss out on an opportunity? What's the best that could happen if I slow down and focus on what's in front of me?

It's not an excuse to slack off, it's an attempt to be content in the now and manage expectations stemming from my left-brain list-making goal-setting tendencies.

I have no answers, only questions and insights to ruminate and let be. But I do have hope. Hope that through practice I will find reconciliation and balance that will quell the inner turmoil - or at least acceptance that I will find no such thing and carry on as best as I can.

Gentle patience indeed.

Scenes from Thanksgiving 2009

I'm not very inspired for words tonight so I thought I'd leave you with a few favourite photos from a crisp, early Thanksgiving morning at N & L's place in the country (D's brother and his wife)...

sunrise

whatchalookinat?

warmth and frost I

warmth and frost II

warmth and frost III

What's Your Theory?

"...whatever the nature of one's beliefs, one's personal conduct may either follow the belief pattern or diverge from it. In so far as it diverges, it helps produce unwanted results. At the same time, it splits practice away from theory and divides the personality against itself. The most harmonious life is one in which theory and practice are unified."
- Helen and Scott Nearing, Living the Good Life

I like this quote. I'm not sure what to do with it, but it jumped out at me from the page today and I felt compelled to share it here.

How could I unify practice and theory? What's my theory to begin with?

How about you? What's your theory?

On the Map!

After a few months in the making I finally hung some of my paintings at my hair salon for display and eventually, sale (I'm not quite set up for the sale part yet, but I'll be working on it during the next few days).

Warning: The quality of the photos sucks, but they'll give you an idea of the setup and how the paintings look on the walls.

bobby pin hair studio

What She Seeks (left) and Dark Side of the Moon (right)

Giselle

(my first face from scratch - this photo will definitely NOT be for sale :)

Be Free and Soar

Mika (top) and Embracing the Light (bottom)

Breathe

(thanks for letting me borrow this one back for display Sis!)

Deciphering

I had a lot of fun putting them up and it's pretty neat to see them hanging in a public place. Her hair studio also happens to be on the Hintonburg Arts Map (lucky #13!). It feels good.

ps - A big thank you to Sis for bringing up the idea of hanging my paintings with our hairdresser; I'm bumping her photos off the walls to make room for my stuff!

Introducing: Parts of Me

In the spirit of yesterday's post about authenticity and sharing all parts of me on my blog, I thought I'd leave with you a list of things about me that you may or may not know. I had fun putting it together:

~ I am an artist and a Squammette. I like pigtails, fingerless gloves and funky necklaces.

~ I am a student of small business and entrepreneurship. I plan to be my own boss, create income sources to support the life I want and take what comes with it - the good and the bad.

~ I am also a student of Voluntary Simplicity and seek financial independence. I strive to simplify finances, possessions, relationships, time commitments and figure out how much is enough for me

~ I am a procrastinator. It's 11pm and I'm writing my NaBloPoMo post for the day. 'Nuf said.

~ I love brainstorming and looking at the big picture. I geek out on bubble charts, lists, enterprise architecture and the Zachman Framework.

~ I am a communicator. I get lost in writing and thrive on the challenge of communicating something as clearly and simply as possible whether in writing or with a picture. In contrast, I allow myself to write freely in my Morning Pages and sometimes let authentic, natural expression trump the rules.

~ I love nature and hiking. I think my dusty hiking boots, cargo pants and favourite ball cap are really cool. I enjoy the challenge of climbing scraggly trails, the smell of pine needles and the high of a breathtaking view.

~ I am a complete bird geek. When an Indigo Bunting landed at my finch feeder in May 2002 I called my mom (long distance) and told her there was an effin Indigo Bunting at my window. Yes, I used the f-bomb on the phone with my mom, because of a bird.

~ I am a homemaker and secretly revel in producing loads of clean laundry. I do NOT however, revel in housecleaning. Hearty soups are my favourite thing to cook. I want to learn how to knit, sew and spin.

~ I feel my emotions passionately (read: I can be moody). I can dive into a downward spiral and want to do nothing but eat chicken soup and sleep. On the flip side, I live my highs thoroughly and often use momentum to push forward with personal projects. It's a cycle and although I've not mastered its navigation, I try to get by as gracefully as I can. I learn with each one.

~ I am a wannabe homesteader. I gobble up books by Helen and Scott Nearing and dream of living in the country, preserving food from my organic gardens and living off the grid. I dream of building an art studio made of straw bales on my property.

~ I enjoy classic movies and recently discovered that I like silent films. The plot lines, dialogue and images draw me in. Fred and Ginger make me swoon.

~ I am an urban chick and enjoy the edge that comes with living downtown. I enjoy hanging out in coffee shops and farmers' markets, people-watching and running all of my errands without needing a car.

~ I value connection, honesty, beauty, nature, self-care and community.

~ I am a wife, a sister, a friend, a daughter and much, much more.

~ I am not perfect. I practice being the best me I can be, one day at a time.

On Blogging, Fear and Authenticity

I don't know what to write tonight, but I'm toying with the idea of participating (unofficially of course) in NaBloPoMo so I'm sitting here typing with the hopes that something semi-intelligent will make its way through the keyboard to the screen for Day 1 just in case.

Truth is, I've lost confidence in my ability to write here. It's not for a lack of ideas, I have a notebook full of scribbles and sometimes my mind is moving so fast I can hardly keep up with it.

It's about fear. Fear of what others will think of me, fear that whatever I write has already been said, fear of being boring. Fear that communities I've found or connections I've made through specific parts of my life won't like reading about what's going on in other parts and reject me.

These fears can lead to writing that is safe and stays at the surface. That's not necessarily what I want. I like to explore and be true and sometimes that means taking risks. So although they may shift, just for today - or maybe this month - I will remind myself of the goals I laid out for my Creative Living Experiment back in May:

1. to observe life in and around me,
2. to write regularly,
3. to document my experiment in creating a life I want - whatever fields of interest that may include, and
4. to expand my mind and life experience by learning more about my interests and sharing what I’ve learned with others.

I see nothing about self-imposed peer pressure, safety or perfection. What I do see is opportunity to learn, reflect, practice and share an honest, authentic version of myself that includes all parts of me.

Surely that should be enough to get me through Day 2.